Real Event OCD and 10 Steps to Getting Better

OCD & Co.
Written By Turning Point Psychological Services

Photo by: Anita Jankovic / unsplash.com

My OCD is Different

It happened years ago. You even forgot about it for a while, until you remembered and all of a sudden, it hit you and now you can’t stop thinking about what you’ve done. You spent hours researching how to get rid of the shame and guilt about something you did in the past. Your friends and family told you to get over it, that it wasn’t a big deal. You’ve spent years convincing yourself you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve replayed it in your head countless times. And yet, none of it seems to relieve your intense guilt

While obsessively Googling (again) and asking questions in online forums, you may have stumbled upon information related to OCD and its symptoms.

It seemed that what you are experiencing is very consistent with having obsessions and compulsions. But then – how can that be OCD? After all, you have read that people with OCD are constantly worried about something bad happening in the future. And that they are unlikely to do what they are afraid of doing. Your case, however, is very different as you actually DID do what seems like an immoral or horrible act.

So it can’t be OCD, right? But if not, then what is it? And how do you step out of this never-ending struggle of trying to find reassurance and get rid of the horrible guilt feelings? How do you move on with your life?

And how to know whether it’s OCD or not? 

Doubting that you may have OCD is a common OCD symptom. This is one of the lies that OCD tells you, and in no other type of OCD is this lie as effective at hooking you as in real event OCD.

OCD is a doubting disorder. It will make you doubt your memory, your recollection of things, your morals, your intentions, your identity and – that’s right –whether you even have OCD! As it would have you believe, maybe you are just a horrible person who uses OCD as an excuse to avoid paying the moral price for your past misdeeds.

Some Examples of Past Events That People with Real Event OCD Tend to Ruminate about:

-       I stole someone’s work idea and presented it as my own

-       I bullied a kid when I was in school

-       I was really mean to a friend

-       I cheated on my partner

-       I engaged in a sexual play with my brother when we were kids

-       I broke up with my girlfriend in the worst possible way

-       I cheated on an exam/assignment

-       I had sex with a girl who didn’t seem 100% sure about having sex with me

-       I abused my sibling

-       I made a racist remark at a co-worker

-       I drank and drove

-       I made a fraudulent claim when submitting taxes

-       I was involved in a mean prank on friends

-       I made a horrible mistake and my life will never be the same because of it

Common Real Event OCD Obsessions 

-       Intrusive thoughts, images, memories, and flashbacks about what happened

-       Intrusive thoughts and worries about being immoral, bad, mean, sick, racist, deceitful, cruel, hypocritical, despicable, unauthentic

-       Thoughts about needing punishment for your actions

-       Overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame

Common Real Event OCD Compulsions 

-       Mental review

-       Trying hard to figure out what exactly happened, why it happened, and what it says about you as a person

-       Trying to recall all the little details of the event (while constantly questioning the accuracy of your recollection)

- Replaying the event in your mind again and again

“Of course, like with every other OCD type, the more you seek certainty, the less certain you become. And while the compulsions may sometimes bring you temporary relief, in the long run, they just lead to stickier obsessions.”

-       Confessing

-       Seeking reassurance

- Self-reassurance

-       Ruminating

- Trying to rationalize

-       Googling topics that are related to the event

-      Googling how other people overcame a similar event

-       If you harmed another person, following that person on social media and trying to get information about them in an attempt to find out if what you did continues to negatively affect their life

-       Trying to achieve 100% certainty in remembering what happened

-       Reading about ways to forgive yourself

- Trying to block or neutralize the thought

-       Asking others if you are a good person

-       Reading about what it means to be a good person

-       Trying to prevent doing something bad in the future

-       Trying to distract yourself

-       Excessive self-reflection

-       Avoiding anything that can remind you about the event

- Avoiding the place where the event happened (or, on the opposite, going back to that place trying to recreate the event in your mind or to check how you are feeling

-       Debating whether to search for the person you harmed and apologize or to stay away

-       Asking others for their opinions

-       Asking others if something like that ever happened to them

- Coming up with scenarios of a similar event happening in the future and trying to figure out with absolute certainty that you will behave differently then

-       Trying to “neutralize” the disturbing thoughts by reassuring yourself that you are a good, moral person

-       Punishing yourself

-       Cultivating self-hate in an attempt to relieve the guilt

-       Trying to repent by doing “good deeds”

Of course, like with every single other OCD type, the more you seek certainty, the less certain you become. And while the compulsions may sometimes bring you temporary relief, in the long run, they just lead to stickier obsessions.

How Do I Know if It’s Really OCD?

These events aren’t something that anybody would be proud of, but most people find a way to continue living their lives in spite of their regrets and remorse. In your case, however, you feel stuck and are unable to get over what happened. You question your identity and feel you don’t deserve to move on until you find a way to figure everything out and make amends.

Real event OCD, as well as false memory OCD described below, is very commonly present in combination with all kinds of moral, scrupulosity, and harm OCD, and, specifically, with pedophilic OCD (POCD) and sexual orientation OCD (HOCD).

As with every OCD type (and there are many more commonalities between all the OCD types than differences between them), it’s not the nature of the event that determines if it’s OCD or not. It’s the process of your engagement with your thoughts that indicates that it may be OCD.

Here are some signs that you may have OCD:

-       You are overwhelmed by uncertainty about what really happened, how it may have affected you or others, and what kind of person you are. This uncertainty feels unbearable and leads you to seek ways to get rid of it and figure out once and for all, with 100% certainty what happened.

-       The uncertainty may be related to:

  • Specific details of what happened

  • Long-term impact on the other person or people

  • Doubts about whether you are a bad or good, moral or immoral person

  • Wondering if you can move on with your life or need to continue self-punish

  • Fears that you may have committed more offensive or inappropriate actions, but just don’t remember them

  • Wondering if the intrusive thoughts and images will ever go away

  • The need to know if it really is OCD or if you are just looking for excuses for what you did (more on this below)

  • Wondering if what happened in the past may predict more wrongdoings in the future and how to make sure to prevent them

-       You feel that you can’t move on without figuring it all out

-       Your thoughts are very sticky, and you are preoccupied with them

- You have a sense of urgency to do something about the event right away

-       A great deal of your day is dominated by your thoughts and feelings, as well as by your attempts to “deal” with them

-       Your daily functioning (work, studies, relationships, hobbies, self-care, motivation, etc.) is negatively affected

-       You find yourself in a never-ending quest to find relief, but the relief is always short-lived and additional doubts and questions seem to be constantly generated by your mind

-       The more you try to figure out your past, your future, and what kind of person you are, the more doubts you have

Now, to go back to the beginning of this article – you are probably skimming through this page with an urgent question in mind: HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE IF IT’S OCD?  

Please brace yourself for an answer: Your question by itself is an OCD symptom – a desperate need to have certainty. You think that if only you knew for sure that it’s really OCD, then you could forgive yourself and move on. But the thing is – like with every single one of OCD’s questions – you will never know for sure. It’s this quest for certainty that keeps your OCD going. And the only way to recovery is by accepting the uncertainty. None of us know anything for sure. And you are not special in that way. You may never know for sure either.

“It’s the quest for certainty that keeps your OCD going. And the only way to recovery is by accepting the uncertainty. ”

So, the answer to your question is: You may never know for sure and making peace with this not-knowing is your first step to regaining your life.

Here are a couple of other similar and not well-known OCD types related to past events:

False Memory OCD

A person with this OCD type may be unsure if they did or said something bad or immoral. It is usually related to a specific, neutral time or event after which the person starts doubting if maybe, during that time, they somehow did something bad, said something insensitive or insulting, left an offensive or racist comment on a social media post, or messaged or emailed something inappropriate.

Another possible manifestation of this OCD type may be a person doubting if they were the ones who committed a high-profile crime that happened in their area. On the one hand, the person knows that he or she didn’t do it, but on another level, there is a doubt - what if they somehow did it and just blocked it from their memory.

In this case, the person is not sure if anything actually happened or not, but the possibility that something COULD have happened drives the compulsions.  

Of course, exactly like in the case of Real Event OCD, no amount of mental review (or physical checking), rumination, or reassurance is enough to relieve the uncertainty. And the more the person thinks about it, the more real and detailed the false memory feels. In time, it actually does become a memory of its own - shaped and embellished by numerous retrievals. The more the person ruminates about it, the more OCD will "fill in the blanks" of what supposedly happened.

The false memory (the obsession) and the attempts to figure out whether the event happened (the compulsions) create a vicious cycle where the more the person ruminates, the more real the memory seems. And the more real the memory seems, the more compelled to ruminate/review/figure out the person feels, which, in turn, leads to the memory seeming even more real.

Life Editing OCD or Memory Hoarding

This is the need to record and document everything that is happening in a person’s life. It’s a kind of mental hoarding where the person feels compelled to “collect” their memories in case they will need to retrieve them with 100% accuracy someday. They feel that if they don’t “save” the memories very accurately, the memories may get fully or partially lost, distorted, or misconstrued. A person may try to memorize an event, an inter-personal interaction, or the details of their environment.

Of course, with these other two OCD subtypes, exactly like with real event OCD, the attempt to get absolute certainty about the past leads to more and more doubt.

There is a huge overlap between the compulsions among all these OCD types and, in general, among all OCD types. Real event OCD and false memory OCD are especially related to moral scrupulosity (and, thus, to ROCD, sexual-themed OCD, and harm OCD).

What You Can Start Doing Right Now to Deal With Your Real Event OCD

As with all OCD types, it is not the obsessions that drive your OCD. The obsessions are just the thoughts that are generated by your mind. When you engage in compulsions, you are sending your mind the message that these intrusive thoughts are important and the mind then, in turn, generates even more of them. 

Here are some strategies for you to start breaking free from being pushed around by your obsessions:

1.     OCD is known for attacking what matters the most to us, so this is your chance to use your obsessions as a guide to understanding yourself.

Which values lie underneath your regret? What is your pain trying to tell you? What matters most to you in your life? What kind of person would you like to be? How would you like to treat yourself, others, and the world around you?

As opposed to to being consumed by your intrusive thoughts, memories, and emotions, use them to uncover your core values and start taking active steps toward them in the present instead of being consumed by the past.

2. Start making a list of what gets neglected while you continue being entangled in the battle with your mind. Is being consumed by the past preventing you from having a present? Do you find that being hooked by your thoughts prevents you from taking effective action toward your goals? Are you spending so much time in your head that you don’t feel present or engaged in the moment with people you care about and in doing what you love? What would you be doing differently if you could put your memories aside and reengage with what matters to you in your life?

Make a list, put it somewhere visible, and use it for motivation in the moments where your OCD tries to hijack your attention by making you compulse.

3.     Every time you have an urge to check, ruminate, neutralize, reassure, or do any other compulsion – ask yourself, “If I let these thoughts and emotions determine what I do in the next few minutes or an hour, will it get me closer to the person I want to be or will it move me even further away?”

You have to make a choice here: do you move toward your values, or toward your compulsions? It can be one or the other – never both. Practice making choices that serve you and not your OCD.

4.     Put a visible reminder somewhere that it’s OCD that is your enemy now, not your past event.

5.     Do not try to get rid of your thoughts and emotions. They will come and go at their own time. Let them be and redirect your attention toward taking a step toward something that is important to you (not to your OCD). Don’t wait for the difficult emotions to subside. You can have them and still live your life the way you choose to in the present.

6.     Ban rumination. This is a very insidious compulsion that masquerades as problem-solving.  Even trying to figure out whether it is really OCD is an example of rumination.

As just stated, there is no point in trying to get rid of your initial thoughts. The more you try to get rid of them the more attention you are giving to them. But engaging with the thoughts (as in ruminating) is a whole different issue. It may seem automatic and involuntary to you now. But the good news is that with practice, you can learn to redirect your attention elsewhere.

Think about your intrusive thoughts as spam emails. There may not be much to do to stop them. But you don’t have to open them, read them, respond to them, or spend time thinking about them.

Your intrusive thoughts thrive on your attention. Whether you try to debate them, prove them wrong, examine them, get rid of them, discuss them, confess them, get deeper to their meaning, worry that you’ll never be able to stop them, or whatever else you may be doing, — all of it just makes them stronger. Instead, start noticing them and redirect your attention elsewhere. It doesn’t matter where. You don’t even have to redirect your attention to anything specific, you can let your attention wander — as long as you do not direct it to the obsessive thought.

In the beginning, it will be difficult. But you will soon learn that you have much more control over your attention than you realized. And while you will still be aware of your intrusive thought (we are not trying to get rid of it, remember?), it will remain somewhere at the background while you go about your life without engaging with it.

7.     Practice self-compassion. This is not the same as forgiveness (which, in your case, most likely will just constitute another compulsion).

Self-compassion is acknowledging that you are suffering. You can remind yourself that suffering is a common human experience and is a part of life. Give yourself a moment of kindness without reassuring yourself. Put a hand on your heart and say to yourself, “This is very hard. This causes me a lot of pain. I have such a strong urge to do a compulsion.  I am allowed to be kind to myself.”

(Yes, yes, I know: your OCD will probably tell you that you don’t deserve kindness. Or that kindness is another way to trick yourself into thinking you didn’t do anything wrong. Please treat this thought just like every other obsession – let it be and continue practicing self-compassion)

8.     This is a tough one. The only way to recover from OCD is to be willing to live with the fact that your scary thoughts may (or may not) be right. It doesn’t mean that you accept that they ARE right. It just means that you accept the not knowing.

As long as you continue living with the hope that you will have certainty about the past, the future, and the kind of person you are, OCD will continue to have a grip on you. Yes, the thoughts about what you did and what kind of an immoral human being you may be are horrific. But these are thoughts. Not facts. Hold them lightly. All our thoughts may or may not be true. As long as we don’t take them too seriously, we have the freedom to live our life. Allow the uncertainty to be there and continue with your day.

9.     Seek treatment. Your OCD will, of course, tell you that treatment will not help, that you will be judged, that going to therapy is just an excuse to avoid repenting, that nobody can possibly understand what you are going through, that the shame will be unbearable, that  your OCD is very different from other OCDs and that, of course, it may not even be a real OCD. Just like with the other thoughts, hold these thoughts lightly and don’t allow them to sway you from getting your life back.

10.     Make sure that your therapist specializes in OCD and practices ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). This is crucial. Seeing somebody whose method of treatment is CBT but who doesn’t mention ERP as their treatment approach on their website or in your phone conversation is not enough. Not all CBT is applicable for OCD and the therapist needs to know a very special way of using CBT for the treatment of OCD.

If your therapist is not an OCD expert, he or she may just unwittingly co-compulse with you by providing reassurance, engaging in figuring things out, examining your thoughts, teaching you strategies to get rid of the thoughts or arguing with the thoughts, etc. If you read this article up to this point, you know that all of those are compulsions and that the relief from them is very short-lived.

OCD is a treatable disorder. There is so much that you can do to get your life back. Don’t delay living your life and don’t lose hope.

Think you may have a real event OCD? Share your story in the comments below!

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Anna-Prudovski-blog-bio-picture.png

Anna Prudovski is a Psychologist and the Clinical Director of Turning Point Psychological Services. She has a special interest in treating anxiety disorders and OCD, as well as working with parents.

Anna lives with her husband and children in Vaughan, Ontario. When she is not treating patients, supervising clinicians, teaching CBT, and attending professional workshops, Anna enjoys practicing yoga, going on hikes with her family, traveling, studying Ayurveda, and spending time with friends. Her favorite pastime is reading.

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